Traffic Blues

"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive." - Anonymous

Well they don't know who said this, but I think there's a pretty good chance he'd driven around suburban Mumbai at one point or another.

In the last 5 years, since i was unleashed upon Mumbai's traffic, I’d say we've grown to understand each other. I’ve had my share of infuriating experiences with unpredictable lunatics and also my share of tearing through rush-hour traffic at break-neck speed, cursing everyone along the way.

Funny how anyone going slower than you is a moron and anyone overtaking you is a maniac. Hmm. But the real challenge in driving through Bombay is dealing with the sheer variety of vehicles and their rather, should I say, individualistic, drivers.

Now what we’ve got here could be called a guide to some of the hazards and sights that one may encounter.

Behind door number one, we have one of the most intriguing species one would come across, the Auto Rickshaw. A two-stroke marvel with astonishing pick-up and maneuverability, these distinctly insect-like vehicles can sometimes touch speeds of upto 45kmph. Unpredictable as ever, they may change direction at the drop of a hat, often claiming the side mirrors of unsuspecting cars next to them. Due to their sheer numbers, one might sometimes get the feeling of being surrounded by a swarm of bees, particularly due to their yellow-and-black liveries. In such a case, it is advisable not to panic.

In somewhat the same league, we have the yellow-and-black taxis. Do not be fooled by their distinctly vintage and ramshackle façade, side shift gears or the thick black fumes emanating from the rear. These have the ability to scare the living hell out of passengers and fellow motorists alike, by sometimes hurtling like cannonballs towards a stationary target in front of them presumably hoping that the target will vanish into thin air before they arrive at that spot.

Then of course, we have the big boys. Ideally not messed with unless one has a death wish, an armor plated tank, or an Auto Rickshaw. These may appear in various avatars such as overloaded carriers with iron rods trailing ten feet behind, to garbage trucks that move with astonishing velocity, to public transport buses with up to ten people clinging to the last step of the footboard. Their presence on the roads along with Rickshaws is sometimes oddly reminiscent of a T-Rex chasing down a herd of Raptors.

And if it wasn’t enough that the roads were about as choked as a sewage pipe at high tide, you’ve got an uncomfortably large number of motorbikes of various shapes and sizes to plug whatever gaps were present. Now the bikers themselves consist of so many sub-categories that it would be difficult to produce a comprehensive list within the context of this post. However, some of the noteworthy specimens one may encounter include:

a) The fastest bikes in the world, aka Domino’s pizza delivery. These mean riders can deliver a pizza to your doorstep through all of Bombay’s traffic, in under 30 minutes. I have on more than one occasion suspected that there is a compact time machine hidden away in that box along with all the pizzas.

b) Those good old scooters that can remarkably accommodate a large-sized family of four.

c) Those stunning balancing acts, aka cyclists, who can transport anything upto the size of a small fridge over great distances across the city.

Happy Driving!